Friday, 25 July 2014


We spent a week, most of a week, together, and it was largely wonderful - I saw her off on the train and she apologised for a foul mood, one that didn't really matter, but we came back to a "reality" that neither of us wanted to, particularly, for similar reasons, but she seemed more prepared for it than I. She called me to go and see her the very same night, I rushed round there but I aren't sure .. sure why she wanted me to go there, distracted and rather unresponsive to touch, a brunt of abusive texts from the other guy ; in the morning I awoke to her sad face and a statement "I feel I'll end up hating you " . Within an hour I hand my fingers tangled in her swimsuit and we spent a hour in the sun and it was good but - I didn't kiss her goodbye, asked when I'd see her next, "I'm not sure right now". The poetry from this post has ebbed away. I told her I was obsessed with her and that I have no idea what to do without her, when she's not around. I watch a DVD she lent me, unable to concentrate, after a long walk with heavy bags in the sun. I told her life is better when she's around, no, that life is better when we're around each other. I think in some way she knows that but can't convince herself that it's "enough" - no,  not that. I suppose she LOVES him,  but doesn't love me. The poetry has ebbed from this post.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014


We made love, in a way, for the first time in a month, two - I looked at her back to look for the little scar, it was still there, larger than my memory of it, she didn't recall it, me discovering it (we would of been drunk) ,again she said no one had mentioned it before. We made love in a way. Her mother said something like, you're footloose and fancy free, but god she's not. I thought how obvious it was that we would make such .. a .. great .. couple, maybe not the best, but more than good enough, better than so many, the 'challenge ' for me, be better for her than she easily is for me, the gherkins on the burgers. But it seems so unlikely - how stupid and ridiculous things are! The easy path,  so difficult to step on to, thwarted.


I want to night to be over, not that, I don't know, I forget as soon as the idea is formed. Things will perhaps, in that way, deteriorate. I cannot understand my life - some of it seems really enjoyable, and soon enough the ... I can't use the phrase "abject misery" - seems like, is, a woolly gesture of woolly tears, from a near recent day,four or six days or some amount of hours ago. She spent the night here, I look at the window when a car pulls up outside hoping it's a taxi, she was here and left her night things here, it was good, my eyes flickering, I went to kiss her cheek and she half offered her lips to me, we laughed as we bought wooden artefacts and went to the taxi rank. I can only imagine the scene, the end of the night, the early morning, her sober as hell, as "hell "  , staying in his bed, half out of laziness and tired necessity, however the hell the scene plays out, a scene I can never witness, comprehend, whatever. Sp many things, I couldn't understand.

Saturday, 10 May 2014


Should and will probably delete this blog,or at least the more dreary posts (all of them from about February onwards)

Sunday, 27 April 2014


The little scar on her back (I loved her back, so much) that she didn't know was there (really?) , had no one else explored it, had I made a discovery? I couldn't explain it to you but I can see it plain as day.

Friday, 28 February 2014


Walking through tesco car park,  and before that,  i thought to to write something about suffering,  how it hides the truth of living,  actual being,  but fuck that. My torn  cock seems to smell of her vagina still, I know it can't, it's been..  days. The feeling of her ass on my finger, the hole,  I wish I could  write it. I wish I could remember, write,  so many  things, the castle ruin on the hill.

Thursday, 27 February 2014


February has not been terrible and lonely ,  not really,  not at all.